My Infant losses and wins pt. 1

I woke up this morning to what felt like a very real dream. I know most of us feel the same way but this dream was very different. It wasn’t something I had on my mind. I can only understand that God/The Holy Spirit are telling me I need to share. My dream was that I miscarried a tiny little person. I could feel the sadness very deep down. I could also feel the loneliness that comes with it. What I got out of these feelings and sights was that I should share my experiences.

For anyone that doesn’t know this month is Pregnancy and infant loss month. This month holds a special place in my heart not just because I am prolife but the reason I am prolife. I would like to share with you my own losses and wins. I’ll explain the wins part last.

George and I were married in 2004. I remember being so happy that I had found the man I had secretly been praying for along time. At this point in time I was only 19 years old, active duty Air Force and we lived in South Dakota. I remember being so happy when we found out and really hoping we had a boy. Sadly enough not long after we were married George had to deploy and I was left alone to work and take care of myself with the help of some of George’s coworkers. I on the other hand had a supervisor who told me as soon as I shared my news of pregnancy tell me he hoped I had a miscarriage.

In July of that year I was 6-8 weeks along. I started bleeding and thought was is wrong. I went to a doctors appointment and they told me I was lossing my baby. I had to get back in the car with George’s coworker and try not to show any emotion. I had to hold in the sadness until I got home. I also had my little brother visiting that week. He was only 14 or so at the time. I remember it so clearly just crying and crying. Not being able to tell George that our baby wasn’t going to live. I felt so guilty and defeated. I was really alone. I was able to tell George eventually but he was on the other side of the world and I had no one. I decided to confide in my one friend who kept her promise not to tell my coworkers. I remember feeling like I would never be able to put myself back together.

But I never could have known how amazing of a man I had married until he found a way to come home. He came home to help me to grieve and to be able to grieve himself. Yes, the one and only time my husband has been deployed since we have been married he came home early. I thought I had failed as a wife and woman. I started to worry if I was able to have any children. Sadly enough this was not my only loss.

My second loss was in 2005. I was 21 and Pippi was a few months old. I had no real understand of life or wasn’t taught about what having a miscarriage meant. With my first loss of a baby I was really hurt. The second time I don’t think I was quite ready to have another. I was still breastfeeding Pippi and it seemed impossible to get pregnant so quickly after. I had started bleeding and was just ok with it. I wasn’t feeling good but I was ok or so I thought. A week before Katrina hit Biloxi, MississippiĀ  we were driving home to South Dakota. I thought that I was merely having alot of heartburn and eating alot of tums and drinking way too much Maalox. I passed out at a rest area. George drove me to the nearest open hospital in Sioux City, Iowa. I know he was scared to death. I can’t even imagine.

At the hospital they examined me and asked me questions. I didn’t want to tell them that I thought I was having a miscarriage. I’m not sure why. But I did tell them. That’s when we found out that not only did I need to have surgery to remove my gallbladder but I had also had an Ectopic pregnancy. My unborn baby had tried to grow in my Fallopian tube and died along with rupturing my Fallopian tube. We were in the middle of nowhere and I had to have surgery. I could have died. George did his best to take care of Pippi while I was in the hospital. She was a tough little one who refused formula and would only drink juice while I was unable to breastfeed her.

My poor unborn baby suffered and died in a place where it didn’t belong. This time things changed. I knew that the doctor had done his best to fix my tube but there were no guarantees that it would work. The chances of me having anymore children was up to God alone. And now that I think about it maybe my baby died so that I could have more children. Maybe God used my sweet unborn baby’s life to bring more babies into the world.

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