I woke up that morning with the best ah-ha. It was a quiet ah-ha as George was still sleeping but it was the best.
Since our move I have also had some of the most beautiful words come from a friend I made in DC. Here’s some of the things she told me: “Oh precious friend if I could wrap you up in a huge hug and somehow let you feel and experience the love God has for you I would. I pray now as I’m typing that you feel His comfort, his light, his love. It takes strength and courage to share what you shared today. It may take some strength to hold in what you’ve been holding in, but it took more strength to share it. Being vulnerable and asking for help or opening up to others is always the bravest and hardest thing to do. And yet I wonder how many dozens or hundreds of people walk past us everyday holding and shouldering the burden of such tear pain and we have no idea? No, sharing is always the bravest and scariest thing to do. You are a warrior Kim – a brave, courageous, beloved warrior princess of the God who loves you with a capacity we will never fully understand or fully experience on this side of heaven. But goodness I pray that God surround you with so much love and comfort and hugs of protection right now, this night, that you can’t help but be comforted by the One who holds us during our worst pains.”
We have been going through kind of a rough patch and I was starting to lose hope. I needed a friend to talk to but I wasn’t sure whose advice, encouragement and love I was suppose to seek. Facebook is still an odd creature that I don’t understand but I decided to use it. I decided to just out right post that I needed a friend to talk to. By doing this I was agreeing to being very open to whomever God sent me.
He sent me a friend from high school that I have talked to on and off throughout the years. Here are some of the kindest and most encouraging things she said: “ I know that this is not what we like to hear in times of struggle and pain and worry. But God has his hand on your precious family and no matter what storms come, He will be the Rock of your stability. He does nothing without already knowing what is coming next. Nothing is a surprise to Him. He loves you and has great plans for your life. Cast your cares upon him, for he cares for you. Sometimes we have to remember that our happiness isn’t contingent upon our situation but is rooted in Christ. And our feelings aren’t always gonna be happy and joyous. Sometimes you feel like throwing your hands up and quitting. Especially when the money isn’t there or things are just crashing in around you. On the days when you just want to cry and let depression and anxiety overtake you, it’s easy to see the bad side of things. I’m not gonna give you the whole “God is in control” speech because that is never helpful and to be honest, it doesn’t make anyone feel better. I do know that depression is a hard thing to deal with and many people say “just shake it off” because they equate depression and sadness as the same thing when it’s not.
God will definitely give us storms that are too big for us to handle. I don’t subscribe to the “He will never give us more than we can handle” theory. He wants us to learn to lean on Him. I don’t know why you’re going,through this and I’m sorry that you are. Kick, scream, cry if you must. There are times when I need to do,that. Asking God why is sometimes helpful. Not in a way of blaming Him, but seeking direction.
Most of all, I love you. And I know that we don’t speak often but you cross,my mind often. I will be praying for you all.
And tell the devil and his demons that they have no place in your home, because you are a child of the Most High King.”
I fully believe because of these words I was able to finally understand my biggest and best talent.
The days leading up to the point I was comforting and encouraging my best friend. When someone dies: a close friend or an acquaintance it makes us stop and take stock. We wonder why we are here and does it get better. I told him that life is short and doing the right thing and using our talents to help others is what we’re here for.
I’ve had alot of trouble sleeping between the sinus infection and sleep interruptions caused by anxiety and worry. I wake up most mornings worried that I’ll screw it up. I’ll screw them up (the kids). Mostly that I’m failing at life. This morning I woke up feeling over joyed. For the last couple of years I have struggled with depression and anxiety that I come in and out of. The biggest thing I question during that time is my purpose. What am I here to do? How am I useful? What is this talent that God gave me? Besides being a mom and taking care of my family is there more to me? Does this make me feel whole?
I’ve known for a while that being a Mom and Wife is a blessing. I love it! But I woke up that morning and knew the answer. I’m here to help people with my resourcefulness. MY RESOURCEFULNESS. (It feels amazing to say it out loud.) I know how to make something out of nothing. We can be in-between grocery trips:I can pull a great meal from minimal ingredients. We have no money and I need to buy shoes: I can figure it out. Someone asks me how to entertain little people during Mass: I have lots of suggestions. A friend is having trouble with homeschooling and I can help. If you want to know how you can volunteer: I can give you many ideas. I’m here to use my talent of resourcefulness to share my knowledge and love with others. I’m here to use the gift God gave to me to help others.
This day was one of my best because not only did I find meaning but I found forgiveness. I am the type of person that hopes for the best but prepares and expects the worst. I let myself get to the point where I feel so badly that I start to believe I’m not worth loving. I believe the things I’ve done or not done are the worst sins ever committed. But on this day I found a light and was not only able to receive Gods forgiveness but also forgive myself. I was so happy to feel Gods presence again.
We are still struggling with life as is normal. Money, work, school, and all the rest. I still spend a huge chunk of my day teaching my children all the things they need to know to become the best adults they can. I may have to yell at the kiddos to do their chores pretty much everyday. I miss my Dad more than usual lately. But today and yesterday I could feel Gods presence encouraging me to keep trying and to not lose hope. I can feel the precious words said to me by those 2 sweet ladies whom have blessed me in a dark time. I am loved!
“There is nothing I cannot do in the One who strengthens me.”